IB Students are a strange breed. They are above average in both
intelligence (usually) and gullibility (definitely). Their lack
of contact with the outside (non-IB) world for a two-year period
during their more impressionable years leaves them with the social
ability of a diseased woodchuck. After my own two years in IB, I have
found that these students can be broken down into three categories:
- Over-achieving suck-up;
- Whining freak;
- Vengeful sadist.
For all you IBers out there, see which one you fit in.
Over-achieving suck-up
The over-achieving suck-up is the rarest of the three breeds of
IB students. This is because they tend to get very good, if not
excellent marks. These marks result from endless studying (even
though everyone knows that they could ace the tests in their sleep),
personal relationships with the teachers, completed homework (no one
has actually proven a link between completed homework and academic
success, but they still tend to have it done) and thick glasses.
The over-achieving suck-up has the following traits and
characteristics:
- Stays after school to talk to the teachers even though no help is
necessary (usually talking to science teachers).
- Is upset with self after getting another pesky 96% on a chem test.
- Suggests extra homework to the teachers.
- Is invited to be a substitute when the teacher is sick.
- Doesn't get their drivers' licence until their late twenties.
Whining freak
The whining freak is hated by all. This is the breed of IB student
that will ask meaningless question after meaningless question, and is
really annoying in Theory of Knowledge. This type will always have
their homework done, but will complain about how much there was, and
how long it took, and usually have most of it done incorrectly. They
are generally opposed to regular IB practices such as cheating, and
have no conscience when it comes to pointing out "cheaters" to figures
of authority. I have observed the position of whining freak to be
predominantly female, though when a male takes this role, he is scorned
not only by the other two groups of students, but by the female whiners
also, though they don't have the right. The whining freak stands the
smallest chance of completing the program.
Characteristics of the whining freak:
- Stays after school talking to the teacher about a problem that
everyone else figured out easily.
- Always complains about the lack of "open-book" tests.
- If female, dates someone not in IB.
- If male, dates no one.
- Favourite subject is always English (with the exception of Art
Students).
Vengeful sadist
The vengeful sadist has the most members of the three groups of
students. This is not surprising, given the nature of the IB program.
The development of the vengeful sadist is slow through Year 1, and
explodes through Year 2, peaking hours before IB exams. The vengeful
sadist incorporates all that there is in IB; namely, hatred. The
vengeful sadist will most likely participate in cheating, and has the
least chance of having homework done, and when it is done, it will
usually be wrong, as it was done seconds before it was due, and it
was merely scribbled in to create the impression of homework in the
event of a visual homework check. The vengeful sadist will likely
complete the program, though will rarely get above 30 points.
They usually make for good TOK students too.
Characteristics:
- Owns a TI-83 with cheat sheets for every class programmed into it.
- Will probably create a Web site slandering IB.
- Falls just below the criteria for getting any university credit
from IB.
- Once thought IB was a good thing.
- Often mutters things below their breath.
How the Groups Interact
The IB student groups have very complex relationships.
Here they are in bullet points.
- The over-achieving suck-ups hate the other two groups, but don't
have the guts or social status to say it.
- The whining freaks hate the other two groups because they're both
smarter than the freaks, but will go to the suck-ups for help.
- The vengeful sadists hate the other two groups, but can easily
coerce the suck-ups to "lend" them a critical homework paper. They
will openly mock the whining freaks for their outward displays of
effort.
How to Use the Other Groups to Your Advantage
If you're a Whining freak:
- The vengeful sadists will be of little help to you, and they hate
you more than any other group hates anyone. If you approach them for
help, you leave yourself open for public mocking and humiliation,
even if the sadists have no idea how to help you.
- The over-achievers can help you as long as you join a "study group"
with them. Since both you and them are prone to studying, this can
be worthwhile. However, don't do this too frequently, because they
will eventually tire of your infinite array of stupid, pointless and
inane questions. Don't expect to be asked back, you'll have to force
yourself in in the future.
If you're an Over-achieving suck-up:
- You bastard, you don't even need the help. Plus, if you're really
one, you wouldn't have read this far anyway.
If you're a Vengeful sadist:
- You obviously have excellent natural abilities to B.S., so use this
to your advantage when exploiting others.
- The whining freaks, since they're so stupid and ethical, can only
be of help to you in one way. When they come ask you for help on a
question (whether you know the answer or not), openly mock them (see
above) until they are forced to relent and ask either someone else or
the teacher. If you knew the answer, pat yourself on the back and
have a hearty laugh at the expense of others. If you didn't, casually
wander over to where the explanation is being given and find out. Wait
a couple of minutes before you go over there so as not to arouse
suspicion, and don't worry, because it'll have to be explained a few
times to the whiner, so you won't miss a thing.
- You can easily exploit the male over-achieving suck-ups into trading correctly-done homework for the illusion of social status. As a vengeful sadist, you should be the IB student with the closest semblance to a social life, even if all it comprises is playing Risk and plotting the doom of whining freaks with other vengeful sadists. However, your cocky and cavalier attitude will appeal to the repressed instincts of the over-achiever. Even if you are in a mixed IB and non-IB school, where your overall social status puts you on par with the creepy janitor with the glass eye and B.O., you are still the Alpha male (usually male) of the IB subgroup, which is the sheltered biosphere in which the over-achievers live. Befriend the suck-ups when necessary (this works best when small groups of two or three sadists get together, to demonstrate camaraderie) and use this to get the information that you need. Remember that you can only ride this train so long, though, so try to use it when really needed. Also, any 'friendship' that is formed in this manner will not survive during IB exams and the month or so immediately preceding them, so don't put it off too long.
That about sums it up.